This week, the greatest couple in human history made it official.
The guest list included:
Every Kardashian Female,
Olympian turned Punching Bag, Bruce Jenner,
Voice of a Generation and Wearer of a White Batman costume Jaden Smith,
Ideal male John Legend,
Dominant Female Tennis Player and Woman whose derriere was referenced in “Gold Digger,” Serena Williams,
Scottie Pippen, Carmelo Anthony, and their “TV Personality” wives, Larsa and Lala,
Man with the perfect name for being Kim’s Trainer, Gunner Peterson,
Adequate rappers, Q-Tip and Tyga,
Founder of Girls Gone Wild, Joe Francis,
Yeezus reducer, Rick Rubin, and
Twelve Years a Slave Director, Steve McQueen.
Their wedding ceremony began with a carriage tour of the Palace of Versailles where David Blaine performed magic tricks and Lana Del Ray sang.
Then, the entire guest list was flown to Florence where the ceremony was held in a Palace formerly occupied by the Medici family, who funded the majority of the Italian Renaissance, and produced four popes, two regent queens of France and countless Dukes and Duchesses.
During the ceremony, Andrea Bocelli sang several songs including “Ave Maria” as Kim walked down the aisle.
The reception featured John Legend singing “All of Me,” and Kanye making a 20 minute toast where he declared his wife to be “the ideal celebrity” and “the ideal art” and called the gathered guests “the most remarkable people of our time.”
Many have mocked this wedding as frivolous extravagant nonsense, but I dispute that claim. I contend that our society needs Kim and Kanye’s wealth, popularity, and connections to keep creating the most absurd situations in human history. The guest list looks like they ripped out hundreds of pages from last year’s issues of People Magazine, taped the pages to a wall, and threw darts to see who would be invited.
Where else could Scottie Pippen and Carmelo Anthony realize that they are not the only Hall-of-Fame small forward with a wife whose name not only starts with L and features two As, but also exploited his NBA fame to become a T.V. personality?
When else would David Blaine have been able to bring his magic to the Palace of the Sun God?
How else could we carve into the eternal stone of human history that one of the greatest Olympic athletes walked his porn star step-daughter down the aisle to marry the most divisive working artist of the decade in the former fortress of an unimaginably powerful Italian merchant family while being serenaded by a blind, angelic opera singer?
No one else could have done it, but these two.
Look at them, in blissful happiness, silhouetted by a two million white flowers, while being admired by the strangest collection of celebrities ever assembled. For Kimye, absurdity is their normality. While mere mortals would be slack jawed in disbelief at the setting of this wedding, they stand at the center.
It appears the media sent Silky Johnson to cover this wedding with the rampant haterism that has taken place. This is wrong. We should praise Kimye for their unique ability to create the most outlandishly ridiculous wedding in human history, and congratulate them on their perfect, absurd love.