Basketball is back.
Tall, athletic, fast men are back to putting leather spheres in hoops on television on a regular basis and I could not be more thrilled.
Here are some of my predictions for the season.
Lebron will win his fourth MVP in five years and his third NBA Championship. He is simply the most dominant player on the planet. I love watching Lebron play basketball almost as much as I love hearing Kanye rapping. He is too good for me to pick any team other than the one he is playing on to win it all.
The Bulls and Heat will play in the Eastern Conference Finals and it will be one of the greatest, hardest fought, nastiest, most glorious, beautiful, and downright entertaining series we will see in years. Oh and by the way THOSE TWO TEAMS ARE PLAYING TONIGHT. D-Rose must be fiending to play basketball again so he’s going to be on an absolute tear the entire season and will want to make a statement that he is back on national television tonight. Lebron wants to let everyone know that this is still his league and defend his legacy as one of the greatest players ever. Also does everyone remember how crazy the Bulls-Heat games were last year without D-Rose!! I need to take some high blood pressure medication to calm down.
Demarcus Cousins will inherit the Rasheed Wallace Throne of the Boisterous Asshole with a Gigantic Personality that Everyone Loves.
Paul George will become the next superstar of the league and have some truly great duels with Lebron and Durant.
Durant will score 70 points in one game fueled by the rage of being second best to Lebron for so long, the fury of the stupidity of the Harden Trade, and the anguish of losing Russell Westbrook to injury and having to carry the likes of Derek Fisher for the beginning of the season.
J.R. Smith and Ron Artest will be the basketball equivalent of when T.O. and Chad Ochocinco were on the same team and will create a series of Youtube videos that will take the internet by storm.
Dwight Howard will have a great season and will get a comedy on ABC, which after a couple of seasons and pledging his allegiance to ABC, he will leave to FOX. BUT… FOX will try to change the structure of his show and Howard will grow disgruntled with the management and his cast members and join Better Call Saul on AMC as Huell’s replacement.
Andre Drummond and Greg Monroe will go on a double date with Miranda Cosgrove and Jennette McCurdy (The stars of iCarly!!! duh) and it will go great. They will then have a lengthly courtship, a double marriage, buy an island, and bring an end to racial intolerance around the world with their beautiful love.
Allen Iverson will decide against officially retiring from basketball. Then the Sixer’s GM realizing that the Sixers are doomed anyway, decides to bring Allen aboard under the justification of, “I mean, why not?”
Someone will foul Tim Duncan really hard during the season and his skull will pop open revealing a tiny alien controlling him and no one will be surprised.
Mikhail Prokhorov will bring over several Russian human experiments from Siberia to play for the Nets.
BASKETBALL IS BACK PEOPLE GET EXCITED!!!!!